The Toughest Time

Life is ironic. Tuesday last week we confirmed that I was 5-weeks pregnant. Seven days passed and the baby was gone. Ang bilis, like a flash. Parang isang linggong pag ibig: pagsapit ng ika pitong araw, 'giliw ako'y iyong iniwan'.

Ironic pa, a room mate came on my 2nd day at the hospital. She just gave birth to a twins, both are boys. While, there I was, laying on the bed, I just lost my baby.

We thought everything was perfect. Everything was there, napakalapit na samin. We were about to begin out family life. And then there was that, the sudden twist of fate. You cannot have everything pala, all at the same time. Nothing is perfect. Maybe that's what God wants to tell me.

The joy and the pain, of bearing and losing. Last week, we were celebrating. Feeling ko kase, every thing was in favor of me. Ang daming blessing, including the good news. Then it just fall out of place. Parang jar of jelly beans na nahulog at nabasag. Suddenly, it all scattered out on the floor. Kalat kalat, sabog sabog, di mo na makaen. Ni hindi mo alam kung paano igagather ulit. Maybe I should've started to worry when I felt that little pain on my abdomen. I was overwhelmed kase to see the two lines and got super excited to share it to the world. Ayun. Where was that gone? Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam. 

I never felt so much pain but this. Eto pala yung feeling. It makes me wonder, why does some women considers abortion when at times like that, me as an example, I just want the baby to be born pero it was not given to us. I am very much willing to give up everything naman for her, pero it seemed like non sense. Pinadaan lang sya. Maybe to say hi? To give hope? To share joy for a moment? Kaya lang napalitan lahat yun. Kase wala na sya. Mahirap tanggapin. This is the toughest of all obstacles I've encountered. At times, I find myself crying. Parang all I want is to drown myself in tears. I keep finding answers to my questions. Hindi ko naman mahanap. Loooord! Bakit po ganun? Ang hirap e. Ang sakit! 

Minsan, gusto kong isipin, bakit ganun? I promised naman to give her everything. I told myself pa that whatever happens, I'd be loving her. I won't leave her like my mom did to me. I said I will be a good mom to her. Pero bakit ganun? Minsan gusto kong isipin na ang unfair. Pero I still believe that God has other plans. Maybe, it's just nit the right time for us. Or maybe, sabi nga ni dra., hindi pa ready ung katawan ko. I'm not in a rush din naman pero I still feel sorry for myself of course. Nandun na yung expectations, ung happiness. Parang biglang nag fall out lahat. Bakit? What have I done wrong?

Is it payback time? Is this a consequence to my wrong decisions? Whyyy?

If this is a test of faith, I'm not afraid to tell naman I'm not losing my faith. But I think it's more of a test of fate. Kapalaran. Well if it's testing my bravery in facing consequences, haven't I faced many of them? I started so young! Come on!

For a fact naman, I know that God has plans for us. Maybe he just didn't agree with the time. It's just that this is so painful that everytime I close my eyes, I remember how I shouted so loud because I felt it when something went out down there and I knew that moment na yun na yun. I remember how the nurses looked like when they saw the discharge. I remember their reactions. That even though they did not tell what it was exactly, their eyes can tell. Some of them may even cried for me. I remember how I cried entering the OR for the raspa, and how I thought about things; how I traced every little action I did before that particular moment para magbleed ako ng ganun and to lose the baby. I don't know what happened. Pero baka nga, something better is yet to come. Baka nga hindi sya para samen.

"God will nevet leave you empty. He will replace everything you lost. If he ask you to put some thing down, it's because he wants you to pick up something greater." I've memorize the quote since high school and finally it became applicable to me. I really hope that something better is being cooked for me. I know that something bigger and greater is up for me and my husband.

Father, forgive me for asking sometimes. I still believe in you and in your plans and in your time. My faith is not shaken. I know that there is always something better. Thank you for giving us the little angel and letting her drop by. Please help me let go now. And give myself a chance for another beginning. There's always second chances.

Maybe for now, as clueless that I am, I just want to mourn, to cry, to indulge myself on my bed and my pillows. Trying to find comfort, as if they can cover the pain. Well they can just cover my eyes kapag umiiyak ako. 

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to ask questions. Let's just say, she's a happy little angel now. Sana the pain will be over soon. 

We love you little kid. Thank you for dropping by. ❤️


- ymhej -
12.03.2015

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