Traumatic Tuesday
It's been a week but the memories are still fresh on my mind. Every time I close my eyes, all I see are the hospital scenes and all I hear are crying and shouting and nurses' advice. It seemed like a movie which I've memorized all the scenes and the lines of the characters. Just that, kasama ako sa eksena. From the glorious Tuesday when we learned that I was pregnant, up to the following Tuesday that we lost the little kid. It still hurts to recall all that has happened. It was like a flash,super bilis ng mga pangyayari. Non-stop, one after another. Next thing I know, I was about to enter the OR for the raspa.
Exactly a week ago, I rushed myself to the hospital due to abdominal pain and bleeding na nagstart sa spotting. I was admitted for a complete bed rest habang naka dextrose ng pampakapit. But on that same day, despite of the dextrose, lumabas pa din sya. Nanganak ako but walang baby. Namatayan ako but walang lamay. Maybe, he's not for me.
It's been a week that I stay at home, and a few more weeks doing the same thing, killing time, trying to think of anything else. But nothingness still leads me back to my dear angel. The very memory of her, from begining to..today.
It's been a week pero last night, before I go to sleep, I still feel the fear and the pain. Natakot ako nun kase hindi ko alam kung anong pwedeng mangyari. Natakot ako kagabi na maramdaman ko ngayon exactly how I felt a week ago. Natatakot akong umiyak as I recall the whole thing. Natatakot at nahihiya akong malaman ng marami yung nangyari saken, kases feeling ko ang taas ng expectation nila saken. Everyone was excited and suddenly, I failed them, specially my husband. I failed the little kid. Sabi ko hindi ko sya pababayaan. I failed myself. Sabi ko kase hindi ko sya iiwan gaya ng ginawa sakin. Pero ano'ng nangayari? Ano'ng ginawa ko?...
It's been a week pero hindi ko padin maclick yung profile ko kase makikita ko yung picture nya at kung gaano kadami ang nag like at nag comment dun. Naiiyak ako kapag naalala ko sya at nababasa ko ung mga comforting messages from my friends. The truth is, no word can ever comfort me as of the moment. Everything just hurts.
It's been a week and I'm still searching for answers. Isang linggong kay tagal. Isang linggo and I'm still clueless of what's going on and what is bound to happen. It's been a week and I'm still trying to bring back the joyful self I lost together with my little angel.
"Not all days are happy..some are sad", Mariel said when she, herself, recently suffered from miscarriage. True enough, but we can always make new memories. Siguro it's mother's love. Na kahit nasa tyana ka palang, sobrang dear mo na. I have never touched you, nor hear your heartbeat. But your lost is the hardest thing I've ever faced..that it seems like forever before I can fully move on. And anak, I willl never, ever forget you. You are just too precious to forget. We are still looking forward to seeing you again.
Exactly a week ago, I rushed myself to the hospital due to abdominal pain and bleeding na nagstart sa spotting. I was admitted for a complete bed rest habang naka dextrose ng pampakapit. But on that same day, despite of the dextrose, lumabas pa din sya. Nanganak ako but walang baby. Namatayan ako but walang lamay. Maybe, he's not for me.
It's been a week that I stay at home, and a few more weeks doing the same thing, killing time, trying to think of anything else. But nothingness still leads me back to my dear angel. The very memory of her, from begining to..today.
It's been a week pero last night, before I go to sleep, I still feel the fear and the pain. Natakot ako nun kase hindi ko alam kung anong pwedeng mangyari. Natakot ako kagabi na maramdaman ko ngayon exactly how I felt a week ago. Natatakot akong umiyak as I recall the whole thing. Natatakot at nahihiya akong malaman ng marami yung nangyari saken, kases feeling ko ang taas ng expectation nila saken. Everyone was excited and suddenly, I failed them, specially my husband. I failed the little kid. Sabi ko hindi ko sya pababayaan. I failed myself. Sabi ko kase hindi ko sya iiwan gaya ng ginawa sakin. Pero ano'ng nangayari? Ano'ng ginawa ko?...
It's been a week pero hindi ko padin maclick yung profile ko kase makikita ko yung picture nya at kung gaano kadami ang nag like at nag comment dun. Naiiyak ako kapag naalala ko sya at nababasa ko ung mga comforting messages from my friends. The truth is, no word can ever comfort me as of the moment. Everything just hurts.
It's been a week and I'm still searching for answers. Isang linggong kay tagal. Isang linggo and I'm still clueless of what's going on and what is bound to happen. It's been a week and I'm still trying to bring back the joyful self I lost together with my little angel.
"Not all days are happy..some are sad", Mariel said when she, herself, recently suffered from miscarriage. True enough, but we can always make new memories. Siguro it's mother's love. Na kahit nasa tyana ka palang, sobrang dear mo na. I have never touched you, nor hear your heartbeat. But your lost is the hardest thing I've ever faced..that it seems like forever before I can fully move on. And anak, I willl never, ever forget you. You are just too precious to forget. We are still looking forward to seeing you again.
Our angel may have flown away from us, but I know she'll be watching over, waiting for the right time to send us another one. We maybe hurting so much but we know that it's not the end of the round. We can make memories again, that's what each morning is for.
- ymhej -
17.03.2015
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